I guess we all blame sometime or the other. I may put on an act of being the perfect gentleman, taking responsibilities and all, but deep down, I know, I am just afraid of letting go. “What if I end up alone?”, “What will people think if I choose me over my family?”
UGH! It’s so irritating, infuriating, and annoying to know that I must cross the line between being afraid to be judged and being okay with being me.
It’s the fear… No, no, no. It’s the excuses. Oh, no, no. Wait. It’s me. It’s me who is not taking actions. It’s me who is an emotional fool. You dumb, idiot human. Wait. I know, I control my emotions and that I must rise above it. And that my words affect people. And, maybe, oh, just maybe, my knowledge in emotional understanding may affect others, making others weak. So, this means, I cannot be weak. I cannot be weak because others are watching me. I need to stay strong, compassionate, understanding of other people’s emotions and forgiving, because there is always someone watching me who is taking an example from me.
But why do I have to be the best of all? Why can’t I just be… someone or a no one? Why do I think I have the burden of the world to carry over my shoulders? Why do I have to respect others? Why do I have to take care of older people? Why do I have to be the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect friend, and the perfect human?
Why do I have to listen to other people’s emotions or even consider their emotions first? Why, oh why, can’t I have my emotions considered?
Right now, I am being emotional, or, who knows, maybe I am just venting. But I must be careful, again, because I remember it. I remember it all, “Your words become your destiny.” “You become your thoughts.”
So, no, I cannot be emotional right now, no. I must be smart, decisive, and smart. Contemplate on my every move before acting on it –” Will it be good for my life?”, “Will it somehow solve my problems?”
Then who cares if I am happy or not. Or my imagination is wild. “No one’s coming to save you.”, “Don’t let others know what you are going through. They can use it as a weapon.”, “Sharing with your trusted group of people will help you.”, “But do I have anyone that I trust?” …
Life Design 